I got inspired to write about being an ally from people who are asserting their privilege and ignorance thinking they know everything. There is also this pushback from them if you even try to correct them. As a general rule, I approach people with an open mind, if they show signs that they are not in good faith I typically do not bother. Another inspiration for this article is to explain what being an ally really is. Specifically, the transgender community. Disclaimer, I am not claiming to be the leader of the trans community but providing my own insight on what I see and experience with hopes it provides some insight.
As the title suggests, the first step is to stop and listen. In general, we have been taught about the cultures in this country whether it was through school or MSM that is where most of us get our knowledge. Although reading books can be helpful, when learning about cultural differences and history the best way to learn is to talk to people in the community. The media portrays the trans community like it is an advertisement. This has been damaging to the stigma of trans people.
Again, I can’t speak for every trans person but most of us want equality and to be acknowledged that we are part of society. For the record, it is something I desire, however, for me I want to be acknowledged as part of the experience of being a human. Being trans has been positive but yet disappointing to go through. One of the positives of being trans is that I have finally embraced who I am. Like everyone else, we all struggle with that concept of who we are and what we are destined to do. By fully embracing myself, I know what my purpose is and who I am. The disappointment I have experienced is the divide within the LGBTQ+.
I have written about my struggles with being transgender in a previous article but when someone is trans it’s like living in a personal hell. Despite even transitioning, we still go through a sense of hell. I say that because even though I have fully transitioned, I still ask myself, “why wasn’t I just born the right gender.” I am proud to be trans and want to make clear some of us are not proud of it based on that concept. Deep down we will always be trans and what I tell my fellow siblings in this community is that we are on our own journey of being who we truly are. Yes, it is going to be difficult but being able to express and embrace who you really are is worth the pain.
Today’s society in terms of trans people has gotten worse. Trans people were never truly accepted in society but today it’s been made ok to say we will acknowledge their existence but we can still permit ourselves to behave like garbage. Imagine being a person who wants to be who they are and is feeling trapped because no one truly knows what it is like and is living in a toxic space. Even though it has been advertised in this society that it is ok to be who you are, it is not enough for this person. Trans people require that validation that we not only exist but are accepted as human beings. In my personal opinion, I truly despise labels for that reason alone because it robs that sense of autonomy.
The reason why MSM has poisoned our community and has contributed to creating this stigma placed on us is to essentially satisfy those who really think that hearing media outlets and our politicians saying they support us is assuring enough. This is not acceptable. I want to inform everyone and remind my fellow siblings about how damaging this has become. Also, I want you all to keep in mind children who are trying to embrace who they are.
Including living in a personal hell in your own mind and living in hell outside of your own minds. At least 41% of trans people have tried to take their own life and 61% who have experienced physical assault have made attempts on their own life. POC who identify as trans are at higher risk due to the fact most white people utilize their privilege and are making sure they still remain the dominant race. Most trans people that I speak to live in fear. Fear of being misgendered, being subjected to discrimination, and being harmed by society. When there is no true support in general that is usually the motivator for suicide.
The last stigma I want to address is de-transitioning. Because people are being misinformed about us as a whole, some have seen this as a trend. This is not a trend and I personally blame MSM for not providing accurate information. De-transitioning is rare. A factor that can influence de-transitioning is something medically wrong or the pressures of society and family became unbearable. This is why people need to stop watching this garbage and actually accept that being trans is very real and not a trend.
Some tips on how you can be an ally is for one to acknowledge that you do not know what it is truly like to be one of us. Find a common ground that is relatable and that would invite conversation and an opportunity to gain an education. Some trans people are not out so it is imperative that you reinforce that safety and approaching them with compassion. Ask what pronouns they prefer, if they are not sure make sure you leave the door open for them to disclose who they are if they change. For example, if an individual is questioning their identity say to them, “Hi my name is Noah and I would like to know what pronouns you are using?” 9/10 we will tell you our birth gender to test for safety. However, if they do state that say this, “Do know that if you want me to use different pronouns let me know so I can support you.”
The most important tip I can provide in terms of being an ally is being genuine. The trans community has experienced trauma from every aspect. When someone goes through it enough it is easy to detect if someone is bullshitting you. Put your own biases aside and present that willingness to be open. The point I want to emphasize in terms of being an ally is to not assume. It is pertinent for you to have that fundamental understanding that orientation is separate from gender identity. In my experience in the workplace, the training of working with the LGBTQ is that educating people about the transgender community is very minimal and is presented as orientation.
Just because someone is trans doesn’t mean we should automatically assume they are gay, straight, pan, etc. Do not listen to these stereotypes because frankly, it is not anyone’s business to know what your orientation is period. Do not assume that person is going to transition. This is a controversial topic to discuss within the trans community is having differences in what is valid. We all have our own definitions of what is valid but please be mindful. There are cases where people cannot medically transition and you have to remind yourself that they are still valid. I have been in trans groups online where my trans siblings will literally kick someone out of the group because a person cannot medically transition. I truly believe based on that argument of validity and the pressures of society have created this divide.
Do not ask a trans person what their real name is. I cannot emphasize this enough because when a trans person goes through the transition in a sense they want to leave that person behind. We will always remember but asking this to a trans person can convince themselves you are not coming in good faith. The trust is gone and will automatically assume you are only being nice because you have to.
The key thing I can say about being an ally to us is acknowledging these stereotypes are not real and it is not a true representation of who we are. Acknowledge that you truly want to learn and understand. Be sure to say or even if you have to remind us that we all make mistakes and I apologize if I say anything that is offensive. Invite that concept to be an opportunity to learn.
The one I truly dislike is when people ask me, “Do you still have your p*$$y?” or in the case with trans women, “do you still have your d*ck?” This is an intimate and private detail. If we feel comfortable telling you we will tell you. This was asked to me a lot when I first came out as trans. I remember feeling so empty and started regretting coming out. This also triggers dysphoria and when I have experienced it, I often had thoughts about suicide.
To my trans family, keep this in mind with allies. Being an ally is not just having that person’s back but it is a learning experience. They are learning about you and your challenges. You may even find that you share similar aspects. If you really care about our community stop attacking those who are not educated and at least attempt to educate. Also, please be patient. I understand that it is frustrating and I also understand that is an automatic reaction (I am guilty of this too). The only way we are able to make progress in our community is by having people fighting alongside us. Stop isolating people out by “canceling” them just because they make an ignorant comment. There are people who will come in bad faith just remember that it’s even more of a motivation to fight harder. Remind yourselves that you are valid and you matter! Reflect on your pain and turn that into a fire of passion.
Stay strong and use your voice!! I stand in solidarity with you all!